Celebrating Friendships Of "Inconvenience"
Because Some People Are Worth The Effort!
Back in October last year, at a Diwali party, my friend Apoorva Agrawal and I had a brief conversation about how several of our mutual friends had recently moved out of Bengaluru. It was honestly just a quick, little moment of us remembering a few close friends that we missed at the festivities; the kind of thing any of us can end up talking about at a party among friends, you know?
Something about that conversation left me feeling a bit agitated, though. It put this lens in front of my eyes, showing me how many old friends I’ve failed to remain in touch with. Moreover, it made me reflect on how I perceive friendships and how much friendships rely on the convenience of access.
Therefore, in this issue, I will take a moment to discuss friendships of inconvenience and their significance in my life.
What Do I Mean When I Say This Phrase?
ChatGPT defines “friends of convenience” as people you spend time with mainly because it’s easy, situational, or mutually beneficial, not necessarily because of a deep emotional bond. I define friends of inconvenience to be the opposite.
As per my perspective, friends of inconvenience are the people whom I’d go out of my way for to retain the friendship because the bond is worth more than any trouble and effort. These friendships don’t ask for spots on the “calendar” because, honestly, when the time comes, you’d rather rip up the calendar for them.
Such friendships transcend place, time, mistakes, misunderstandings, disagreements, and so much more because they deserve hard work, patience, and care, and they matter more than your ego. You wouldn’t think of the phrase “high-maintenance” for these people, even when they are, because the relationship is worth the effort.
Why Keep A Friendship So Inconvenient?
Let’s be honest, for most of us, keeping up with these friendships sounds quite cumbersome, doesn’t it? Think for a minute, when was the last time you went really out of your way to sustain a relationship with someone (not your blood), put in the time and effort, even made some sacrifices, and they reciprocated equally? I’d bet most of us don’t have even a few such names in our address book.
You see, on the surface, the phrase friendship of inconvenience is an oxymoron. A friendship should not be inconvenient, difficult, or uncomfortable. And yet, the ones that are are so much more important. There are very few reasons to really sacrifice for someone. Even fewer people warrant it again and again. And then there come these special people who share parts of your past (hopefully, your present, too) and shape who you are, through their actions and support.
To have a friendship where you’d both fight for each other again and again isn’t inconvenient. It is truly blissful. I feel proud and grateful to have a few such friends in my life today.
Is There A Point When You Need To Let Go?
Sometimes, you will think you have a friendship that will go the distance. You invest in it accordingly. And then one day, the effort stops feeling mutual, and the care starts feeling one-sided. Sometimes, despite the history you share, the relationship no longer feels rooted in respect, warmth, or understanding.
Even with such friendships, there is a difference between inconvenience and imbalance. A friendship can demand effort without demanding self-erasure. When you are constantly adjusting, apologising, or compromising just to keep the connection alive, it may be worth asking who the friendship is really serving.
It sounds weird to talk about letting go of friendships in the same article as one that talks about sustaining them. But we all need to be honest with ourselves. Some bonds are meant to shape you for a season, not accompany you through every one.
Letting go does not mean the friendship was a mistake. It simply means that the version of the relationship that once existed may no longer fit the people you have both become. In fact, as toxically positive as this sounds, the ones you let go set the bar for the ones you keep. And it is a bar you should hold high.
Holding On Along The Way
Late last year, I reconnected with a very old friend of mine, Raj Sankla, after a good, long gap of 6 years. A rare few of you all who knew me back in school would know that my boy Sankla and I were as thick as thieves. We studied together at The Doon School for 6 years from 2012 to 2018, where we were housemates for all 6 years, dormmates for 3, and we shared a study in Class 12th (senior year). The other day, I found an old picture of both of us, along with Arjun Jai Khanna, one of my two oldest friends in the world (I have known him for 22 of 25 years of my life), in front of the Kedarnath temple in 2016.
Sankla and I were both car and gaming nerds for the longest time as kids, so we became friends quite quickly back in school. Along the way, of course, we had far more fights, arguments, and disagreements than I can remember. In fact, we may have used our fists to settle our disputes rather than our words on more than one occasion (because boys are boys). And yet, even after not staying in touch regularly, this man flew me out for his engagement celebration in October and then hosted me at his place in Pune in November. We sat for hours, catching up on work, life, and everything in between, and to this day, I trust him like I trust my brother.
I look forward to the opportunity to be “inconvenienced” by Sankla someday soon. He will read this and send me the wackiest dance routine possible for his wedding coming up soon. After I’m done crying about it internally, I will try my best to do it some justice. And then, someday, he will hopefully call upon me to do a real service for him. Which I will do with pleasure.
I hope that everyone of you is lucky enough to have a Sankla or an Arjun you can call upon in the toughest of your days. I’m privileged to have a few more such folks in my life who I’d fight for till the ends of the earth. A friendship of inconvenience isn’t just a privilege. It is a responsibility (of the greatest honour). If you don’t, you still have time. Put in the effort. Build the friendship. It will be worth the effort every single day going forward.
Read this piece twice for some reason. I have always admired people who have been able to sustain friendships for more than 8-10 years. They know the art of friendship. What it means to let a few things slide, grow together, accept change in the other person.
An amazing read!!
Read this piece twice, back to back. Really, really, really loved reading it, man. keep writing <3